Snow makes me think..

So I am snowed in at my house; and I have nothing to do, so I decided to just sort of write. Lately I have been going through a lot of heavy decisions in my mind. I am looking at my life, as we enter a new year and I am just sick of myself. I have changed so much from who I was. I can't even get over it. Somedays it makes me just want to yell. I am ready to start over, I am going to make a better life of the one I have. Honestly, I've never smoked or done drugs, I am still a virigin(never even kissed anyone), and all that stuff. I am just a bad person..I got so caught up in materialistic life and being at the top of the food chain. Not anymore. I am going to remind myself starting this year, how you can be happy without all of the things I thought you needed. I don't need to look gorgeous all the time. I don't need approval every day. I don't need people to laugh at my jokes, think I'm cool, or want to be around me anymore. Because, at the end of the day, those people, even the ones that love me, can leave me at any second, and I can leave them. So why should I try to impress people who will eventually fade from my life..? I don't see the point anymore. Now, that doesn't mean I am not going to try to always look nice, and have people like me. I am not going to just all the sudden remove myself from the life I know now. I have great friends, that I can't find anywhere else, and I am very thankful for them but, I need to make changes in my life, and if distancing myself from them is what does it, then so be it. I need time to myself, I need to be able to reflect on my life, and see where I can improve, and if they don't approve, so be it. I need like an Eat Pray Love adventure. I need to live a different life. I still have my ambitions but, I should not be okay with not doing as well as I can, or being the best me. I am going to start to live my faith, and see how that goes. It's a day to day thing. I say I do not believe in God but honestly, I think that I say it just because I want to stand apart. And because it's what my mom believes and I want to have as much in common with her as possible. And, whoever out there that's reading this, and knows me, and has an opinion do me a favor. Keep it to yourself. This is my personal goal. No I am not unstable, or crazy. I need to change, and whether you agree or not I honestly don't care. I'm not talking directly to anyone, I just know that my friends read this sometimes, so if you ever come across this..I just think we are all so far off from who we were. I am not going to sit back however, and let the middle school monster consume me. I am not going to appear any different but, at 12:00 am on January 1st, 2011, I am going to begin the battle, the battle to be better than this.