So Goodbye 2010..
Holy crap it's all coming to an end. This year has been so complicated and dramatic and superficial. It's been filled with struggle and failure. Tragedies shook our world, like the Haiti earthquake. Politics grasped the attention of all Americans as the health care laws fell into place. Drama filled our hallways at middle school, and life became filled with twists and turns. My life has in one year, completely flipped and if I had seen into the future one year ago, and seen how I am now, I would've assumed it was a mistake. It's scary but, I look forward to a new year. I am excited to put my past mistakes behind me, and start fresh. It means a lot to me to know, a new year brings forgiveness. Happy New Year to all! I'll talk to you next year! :D

I'm off to see the Wizard; the wonderful Wizard of Orz...

I talked to a wise friend of mine today who said something that really stuck with me, "time eventually works everything out, so if you've got something to tell someone, do it now, so that there is plenty of time for the reaction, good or bad, to heal." It stuck to me I guess because, it makes sense. Never avoid the decisions that come your way. Don't turn a blind eye to them. Face it as soon as you can. Things all smooth out at some point in our lives, thanks to time, so allowing time to do what it is meant for, is all you really can do because, in the end, who wants to live a life full of missed chances?

I forget sometimes how lucky I am to have grow up with the people I did. They taught me how to look out at the world with a positive attitude and how to succeed. I grew up with amazing women to be there for me, and help me mature into a fantastic woman someday. I'm with two of the girls that have been a part of my life literally since the day I was born, and it's the first time in forever I have been. I am forever glad that these girls are a part of my life because they are fantastic. I love them and never forget that you should love the people that shaped you into who you are

Snow makes me think..

So I am snowed in at my house; and I have nothing to do, so I decided to just sort of write. Lately I have been going through a lot of heavy decisions in my mind. I am looking at my life, as we enter a new year and I am just sick of myself. I have changed so much from who I was. I can't even get over it. Somedays it makes me just want to yell. I am ready to start over, I am going to make a better life of the one I have. Honestly, I've never smoked or done drugs, I am still a virigin(never even kissed anyone), and all that stuff. I am just a bad person..I got so caught up in materialistic life and being at the top of the food chain. Not anymore. I am going to remind myself starting this year, how you can be happy without all of the things I thought you needed. I don't need to look gorgeous all the time. I don't need approval every day. I don't need people to laugh at my jokes, think I'm cool, or want to be around me anymore. Because, at the end of the day, those people, even the ones that love me, can leave me at any second, and I can leave them. So why should I try to impress people who will eventually fade from my life..? I don't see the point anymore. Now, that doesn't mean I am not going to try to always look nice, and have people like me. I am not going to just all the sudden remove myself from the life I know now. I have great friends, that I can't find anywhere else, and I am very thankful for them but, I need to make changes in my life, and if distancing myself from them is what does it, then so be it. I need time to myself, I need to be able to reflect on my life, and see where I can improve, and if they don't approve, so be it. I need like an Eat Pray Love adventure. I need to live a different life. I still have my ambitions but, I should not be okay with not doing as well as I can, or being the best me. I am going to start to live my faith, and see how that goes. It's a day to day thing. I say I do not believe in God but honestly, I think that I say it just because I want to stand apart. And because it's what my mom believes and I want to have as much in common with her as possible. And, whoever out there that's reading this, and knows me, and has an opinion do me a favor. Keep it to yourself. This is my personal goal. No I am not unstable, or crazy. I need to change, and whether you agree or not I honestly don't care. I'm not talking directly to anyone, I just know that my friends read this sometimes, so if you ever come across this..I just think we are all so far off from who we were. I am not going to sit back however, and let the middle school monster consume me. I am not going to appear any different but, at 12:00 am on January 1st, 2011, I am going to begin the battle, the battle to be better than this.

Let it be.

I’m leaning against the wall because I’m desperate for support.
Theres no where; no one for me to run to anymore.
The rooms getting smaller.
I can see it all spin.
I’m gonna throw up.
Someone get me the trash bin.
My nerves are getting to me.
I can see the end, so let me be.
Feeling this all on my own.
Living this life, seeing it alone.
It’s got me terrified but, I gotta keep pushing.
Because, at the end I’ll be able to sing.
It’ll be light and God will let me free.
So while the walls are closing in; let me be.

I do not deserve to be your friend.
I do not deserve to be proud of you.
I do not deserve to wish you mine.

sdgwth

so get a little silly; be a lotta loud. Never forget who you are; and never forget to be proud. Because, some day, someone, will appreciate what you do. And will cherish your silly because, it belongs to you. Stand up tall, keep your head held high. Go so far you compete with the sky. Cry a little bit, throw a pointless fit, and never forget that somewhere someday, somebody will love you anyway.

I don't how to handle this; there's no book for dummies on this one

You make no sense because well, I don't know how to deal with you. I don't know if you flirt or if you talk. I don't know how to flirt, and keep it all secret. I could talk to you for hours, and it's so easy, but, your not the kind of boy that I sit and cry over. Because, your innocent, and you don't know how to hurt so, I have nothing to cry over. But, you are the kind of boy that I can sit around and smile about. Just thinking about you makes me bubbly, and happy. I never used to giggle, and all the sudden I do. I have to keep it all a secret and I've picked the right people this time. I just don't know how I am going to deal with it when you tell me you don't like me. I don't even think you realize it when you flirt. Or when I flirt. It's hard working around innocence. But, you, are so honest and open with me, and there's a trust I have with you that I don't have with anyone else. I can literally tell you anything, and you can laugh with me or cry with me, and I know not a soul will ever know. You're different too. You're more to yourself, and not a party kid. I think that could be exactly what I need. Someone who would really be up for just hanging out, watching a movie, not someone who needs to always be moving and spending money. I think you could be what saves me from the superficial, and judging life I live now. You take me for who I am. I don't have to be anything I'm not. I don't have to pretend or act like someone I am not. I can never thank you enough for that actually. I probably feel so happy because, I can just be me and be weird and silly. I never thought I would like someone like you, but, now that I am, I'm so glad I do.

My pulse gets faster
My skin heats up
My eyes smile wide
My hands shake
My feet dance inside my shoes
My stomach auditions for the circus; flipping everywhere
My mind zooms, at 1,000 miles
My blood starts it's race, and I can feel it running
My emotions all laugh, no matter how mad they are

And all you did
Was smile

I hope everyone has a very merry and safe holiday! I'm working on a few poems and I am excited to start them after the holidays! I am also going to try something cool! I, as part of my 2011 resolution am going to get into the habit of blogging everyday for atleast a month and at the most a year. I hope everyone that sees this will join me as the new year comes up, and try, to live in my life and my experiences as I share them with you. Safe driving everyone. <3 May happiness be with you and your families

I'm sick.
And it sucks.
Because all I do.
Is sneeze.
And snore.
Then sneeze some more.
Hopefully I'll be better.
Before the holidays arrive.
So bad it would be.
To wave a "healthy" new year.
Goodbye.

I'm at the library and my friends don't really know how to just shut up and mind their business and not distract other people. It's really obnoxious and loud and I feel bad for people who are actually trying to get their work done. It makes me really embarrassed because I hate drawing attention to myself, or a group when it's not something serious or like good. Am I the only one?

A little bit of lovesickness..

"if love is a gamble, I'm gonna suck in Vegas."

"I gotta pretend that this is what I wanna do; I gotta pretend that when I walk out that door, that I don't love you anymore."

"you say I'm too young to know love? Clearly, your too old to understand."

"Look at the stars, 
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow,

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow." 

"The saddest love, is the love, that makes you let go, of the one you desire."

"When you truly love someone; you will find the strength and the courage to let them be happy with someone else, but, that love will not stop the hurt that comes after the courage and strength fades."

Criminal Minds is screwing me over..

I hope everyone is having a very merry holiday season so far! I had no idea there were so many different holidays going on. I was really only aware of Christmas, Kwanza, and Hanukah! There are so many others, and I guess I forgot that the rest of the world has their holidays too! Oh, me and my american tunnel vision. So my story for the day! I'm sure not many of you know this but, I am libra. I looked up qualities of libras' because I had been watching a criminal minds..long story short I googled it. One of the qualities was "narcissistic." I, being a teenager, was like huh? haha, so I looked that up, and saw that it was "extreme inflammation of self-worth."! I was like "what!?". So, the whole day, I was extremely concerned about presenting myself that way. So I ask, anyone who knows me, make sure you tell me if I get like that. (: haha, sorry I know it's been a couple days, I've been busy!

/:

My day basically fell apart 2 hours after that long post about being sick..I'm now questioning my luck..

SONNY AND CHAD on Sonny with a Chance ftw. (: I wanna Chad <3

I'm sick; of mucus and drama.

Ugh, I hate being sick; so much. This is the worst kind of sick too, it's not physically it's all in my head. I am so congested and UGH. I have nothing to do today either, and I am so far behind on my schoolwork. I've had a lot of time to think about though. I'm actually pretty sure I want to leave public school. I hate the drama, so so so so so much! It's way too much work, day to day. There was a girl, who had been going through a lot with this boy she liked, and he got a girlfriend. Now, I had been in the same situation before, so I gave her advice and helped her through it. She walked up to me the other day, and said to me, "I would have never assumed it can hurt so much, you go through so much more than you let on." I guess it had never really occurred to me that I am more emotionally inclined than I let on. I never cry, so people never see me weak. I write, and that's my weakness. I just guess that yesterday when I was sitting in homeroom, with my IPod on, and I randomly teared up at the thought of someone, I think it hit me. I may not show it, but, the drama is wearing me down. I am so close to falling. Like I'm on the spot on the cliff thats too close to the edge, do you know what I'm talking about? Probably not, my thoughts are all over the place right now.  The point is, is that my emotions are being toyed with, and I don't know how much longer it will be until I fall apart..

off the top of my head..

I'm sick and I hate being sick.
I'm broken and hate being broken.
I'm flushed and I wanna be even.
I'm dry eyed but, I was crying.
I'm on the computer and I hate it.
I'm thinking of you and hate thinking of you.
I'm done and I wish I could honestly say I was through.

I just thought I would put this on record..

 I HATE THE COLD. I WANT FLORIDA WEATHER.

Editing

I don't have much to say right now, but, I have been doing a lot of work on my blog! I have been trying to make it a little more eye catching and appealing. I want my blog to mature as I do, and lately I've been forced to do a lot of maturing. I want everyone who reads this page to understand me and feel as I do. I want everyone to see things my way. That's the goal at least. When I was little, I used to hope that someday people could go into my room after I died, and find a hundred journals containing my life. Then, the internet was given to me, and it allows me to make a permanent mark on our world, and express myself, so that no matter how many years it may be until I die, people can go back and see everything. I added a few pages to my blog, and one of them has a bunch of pictures from 2010. Those pictures make up my life, and describe exactly who I am, I hope that over time, that list of pictures grows, just like me.
        The other thing I wanted to talk about was letting go. "Only the strong know when to let go" I don't know who said it but, it's been told to me my entire life. But, how are we supposed to know when the right time is? I am weak I guess because, letting go is impossible for me because, I never know when to let go. It's a hard concept, am I right? To imagine letting something you hold dear to you, fade out of your life. But, is it the right thing to do? Is it the honorable thing to do? I learned one day that if you truly love someone you will let them go be happy. But, they say you are also supposed to love yourself so, how can you do that, and let something that makes you happy go? I don't know I have a major headache right now! Setting up for the holidays. (:

I didn't make a promise yesterday because, I didn't know what I wanted quite then but, I do know now. I promise to get better at keeping my mouth shut.

Promise 3

I promise today to never compromise my beliefs for popularity or acceptance. To never strive to be someone I am not, to feel wanted. To never look at my life, and wish I was any different, any less of who I am or what I think. I promise to never stop challenging the system.